Will Never Last

I was lying in bed mainlining pressed juice and binge-watching The Office on Comedy Central while hosting a fever in my body at the Element Austin Downtown earlier today when a memory surfaced that granted me a grin.

One evening several years ago myself, my dad and my brother Bryan were cackling like idiots to an episode of The Office in the living room of my parents' condo when my mom entered.

Mom: What are you laughing at?

Me (gesturing to the TV): The Office.

My mom went quiet as a scene unfolded in which Jim played the "Hot and Cold" game with Dwight's desk, which had been relocated to the men's restroom.

Mom (rolling her eyes): This show will never last.

As she walked out of the room the three of us looked at one another and did our best to hold back smiles, none of us having the heart to tell her that "this show" was then in its seventh successful season.

My dear mother was perfect, even if her pop culture predictions were not.

Bats and Booze With My Bestie

Laura popped down to Austin last night so I wouldn't have to sleep alone again and while she was here we consumed cocktails and apps at a haunted hotel, watched the sun go down and a million (give or take) bats wake up, feasted on seafood on Dirty Sixth Street, sipped boxed red vino from 7-Eleven out of coffee mugs in the bed in my hotel room whilst gabbing in front of crap television and purchased and assembled a console table from Target in my office.

Needless to say, I miss her already.

Thank you, Laurnay.

Austin Calorie Tour

A longtime furniture vendor invited me out last night to celebrate the (near) completion of my company's new office in Austin and below is a list of foods that we consumed between the hours of 6:30pm and midnight.

  • avocado slices and jalapeño peppers wrapped in raw sea bass
  • fried calamari
  • steak tartare
  • French fries
  • a beet salad
  • crab fritters
  • potato gnocchi
  • spicy egg rolls from a food truck that was parked inside a bar made out of shipping containers
  • chicken tikka masala with a side of naan
  • a bag of donuts (each) with caramel and Nutella dipping sauces
  • Detroit-style pizza

Alcohol may have been involved.

My Sole Mate Shops IKEA

A colleague and I were searching for office shiz at the IKEA in Round Rock earlier today when a six-foot, six-inch mass of human male came walking toward me wearing a look of genuine purpose on his goateed face. For a moment I thought maybe I'd unknowingly run over one of his kids with my cart or pocketed some tiny piece of unpronounceable Scandinavian merchandise without realizing it, but when he got within pummeling distance of my person he just smiled, pointed toward my feet and said, "Nice shoes." One might imagine how confused I was until, still grinning, he gestured to his own feet, at which point comprehension occurred.