Sports Talk

If the Oscars are, in fact, the Gay Super Bowl, then it's safe to assume that last week's Golden Globe nominations were the start of the gayoffs. And as somebody with a keen interest in knowing who will hoist that adorable little gold-plated statuette at season's end, the gayoffs mean more to me than Twitter means to John Mayer, which is why I've spent a noxious lump of the past six days pacing holes in my powder room rug wondering:

Will perennial Academy favorite James Cameron's Avatar make a late-season Oscar push?

Does Disney/Pixar's Up have enough lift to withstand strong Best Animated Feature contention from Coraline and Fantastic Mr. Fox?

Is there a correlation between neckties and the critical success of George Clooney's films?

While the fate of Avatar and Up will have to wait until March 7th when Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin co-host the Academy Awards on ABC, historical evidence demonstrates that when George Clooney does, in fact, go tie, his movies go gold.


Let’s take a gander at Mr. Clooney’s past film results.

Film: Good Night, and Good Luck*

Role: Bespectacled Man Wearing Necktie

Oscar Status: Nomination (*Although his two nominations for Good Night, and Good Luck were in non-acting categories, Clooney did wear a necktie in the film. So it counts. Asswad.)

Film: Syriana

Role: Fat, Bearded Man Wearing Necktie

Oscar Status: Won

Film: Michael Clayton

Role: Stressed Out Man Wearing Necktie

Oscar Status: Nomination

Film: Batman & Robin

Role: Superhero Not Wearing Necktie

Oscar Status: Not Nominated

This year, strong critical acclaim has surrounded Clooney's role in Jason Reitman's Up in the Air, a film in which Clooney plays, you guessed it, Airline-Mileage-Obsessed Man Wearing Necktie.

If ever there were a case for the old adage "the clothes make the (little gold) man," George Clooney's film career would certainly be Exhibit A.

Personally, I don't mind donning a necktie every so often, but I don't need to. Sure, neckties warm my throat and give me something to fiddle with at work instead of my belly button, but unlike Mr. Clooney, I've found success beyond the windsor knot.


Let’s take a gander at my past party results.

Event: New Year's Eve 2006

Role: Drunk Sprinter In Hoodie

Party Status: Success

Event: Friend's Dinner Party

Role: Effeminate Farmhand in Tight-fitting Flannel

Party Status: Success

Event: Halloween 2006

Role: Sexified Television Doctor in Wig

Party Status: Success

Event: Halloween 2007

Role: Legendary Video Game Character's Lesser-known Brother in Overalls

Party Status: Success

Event: Halloween 2008

Role: Culturally Popular Film Character in Flattering, Full Body Leather

Party Status: Success

Event: Cousin's Wedding Reception

Role: Honored Guest in Boxer Briefs

Party Status: Success (Pending receipt of apology letter to residents of Twin Oaks Retirement Community.)

Event: Halloween Trolley 2009

Role: Androgynous Glam Rocker in Flattering Leather

Party Status: Success

Although my wardrobe earned me a thigh rash that won't go away and banishment from my relatives' Christmas card list, it's gratifying to know that I don't have to wear a necktie to be a successful partier.  It's also nice to know that even if I do correctly guess the winner in the Best Live Action Short Film category, there's still a good chance you'll blacklist me from your Gay Super Bowl Party for peeing in the sink anyway.  As long as I can still tweet drunken profanities to John Mayer as I try to remember where I live, everybody wins.