I Win

Much to my expectation, I was presented with a rare and prestigious honor at my place of employment earlier this day.

Although the object in the photograph above appears to be a Mrs. Butterworth's Original Syrup bottle covered in gold spray paint, it's actually a solid gold, diamond-filled statuette presented to a select few employees at COMPANY NAME, all of whom bleed excellence and piss brilliance. Literally.

Although a YouTube video of the awards ceremony will soon be made available, I would like to share the transcript of my acceptance speech with you now.

"Wow, this award comes as absolutely no surprise to me whatsoever. I mean, who the hell else were you going to give this thing to, Adam in Accounting? That dude is the worst. Seriously. 

Anyway, I would first like to thank all of you, my co-workers, for allowing me to be your inspiration day in and day out. I really am that great and I can see my greatness in the me-inspired work that you produce each and every day. 

I would also like to thank my parents for instilling in me whatever incredible genes my body and brain are made up of. Clearly, it's an unbeatable combination. 

And last but certainly not least, I would like to thank God for giving you all someone to compare me to. Without Him, I would still be drawing unflattering parallels to Plato, da Vinci and Einstein. 

Thank you for thanking me with this wonderful award even though it amounts to barely a fraction of the gratitude that I deserve."