I Blue It

This morning I woke up blue. And not Na'vi Blue like the lanky, ponytailed, I-don't-know-how-good-I-have-it Pandora dwellers in James Cameron's mind-screwing box office behemoth "Avatar."

No, today I woke up feeling a different kind of blue. The kind of blue generally reserved for whiny harmonicas played by nomadic fifty-something men in dark sunglasses. The kind of blue that steals your breath away and tattoos "Why bother?" on your corneas. The kind of blue that can only be cured in a windowless pub with a Dylan-heavy jukebox and a pour-heavy bartender.

You know. Blue.

While I'd read that the post-"Avatar" doldrums are singlehandedly stoking the early retirement funds of shrinks around this unfortunate, floating-mountain-less ball of oxygen we call Earth, I never imagined that I, too, would fall victim its three dimensional black magic. Sure, it's hard to acknowledge that I'm just a wretched, can't-even-connect-my-hair-to-a-flying-lizard, Earth-dwelling homo sapien now, but how was I supposed to know that a single naive trip to the Image MAXimum Theater on Navy Pier was going to be my undoing?

Like I said, blue.

Needless to say, I wasn't in the frame of mind for consciousness today, which is why, shortly after waking, I pounded the Snooze Button, waved This Morning a double dose of the bird and closed my eyes.

Ten minutes later, however, I hauled myself to a sitting position to retrieve the cell phone that was quivering on my nightstand.

One New Voicemail.

Because my Mother's cheer could kill a Dementor, I perked up, dragged myself out of bed and got as far as my desk before catching a glimpse of my inbox.

Two Unread Messages.

I sat down and gazed at them.

From: Get You Hung
Subject: Pound her like a stallion all night long.


From: Kathy Lambert
Subject: Good Morning!


Hey Corey,

I thought you'd get a kick out of this story.

Yesterday I was downloading songs for Cole and he said to me, "Mom, you have to download "Party in the U.S.A." because it's me and Uncle Corey's song!"

Hope you're doing superfantastic!



While "superfantastic" I was not, Kathy's email gave me another glimmer of hope and before I knew it I was showered and dressed, my heart no longer lub-dubbing to the beat of "Sky People suck." I was officially on the mend.

By the time lunch rolled around, "Avatar" was merely a hunger pang on my brain. My per-minute Pandora cravings were nearly nil and my hand finally unclamped the blue marker that had been threatening my complexion all day.

Then, just as I glimpsed the exit ramp to Happiness, my inbox flashed.

One Unread Message.

From: Married Mike
Subject: Booyah!

Without thinking, I opened it.

Ewya chose me, loser!

Sucks to be human!

I climbed back into bed.

Like I said.