Mouth Messes

I snapped a pic of my dentist's schedule while lying in a chair in his office this morning because apparently he wasn't supposed to see any patients in Room 2 today but then Bevan chipped a tooth (upper central) while eating banana walnut ice cream and I got a chunk of shell from a Taco Bell taco stuck in my gums so instead of sitting empty Room 2 became a gay urgent care unit for the homosexual male men who reside in my household.

Want

This picture has made me giggle every single time I've looked at it which honestly has only been like four or five times because my sister Kelly just texted it to me today but still, four or five giggles from one picture feels like a lot. Isn't my nephew Harrison's chipped front tooth the most adorable thing to ever happen to a human mouth? And that belly! Oh my fucking god that belly! I just wanna make fart sounds by blowing on it. He would love that. He loves fart sounds. We all do. And lord, don't even get me started on his hair. He looks like Albert Einstein just woke up from an extremely satisfying nap behind a jet engine. I cannot even believe that my little baby nephew turned three years old this week. I'm so proud of him. Isn't his backpack game so strong? I fucking want one. Seriously, I might buy one on the Internet. They're for toddlers though. But still, v. cute. Toddlers are so lucky. Happy birthday, Harrison! Imma steal your new backpack, bish.

Vanity Pains

I fell asleep wearing Crest Whitestrips last night.

Recommended Wear Time: 30 minutes

Approximate Time Elapsed Before I Woke Up: 3.5 hours

I'm not really a person of math, but by any logical standard the additional time should have made the strips like, seven times more effective, right? Well, according to Crest's website, that is not how these things work.

On the bright side, I'll probably lose weight from not being able to consume anything through my mouth for a while. On the less bright side, five out of five dentists think I'm a dipshit.