More Dog Blog, This Time With Blood

Patches gnawed off a stitch this morning and got blood on our comforter and when I speed-dialed the on-call vet to ask in an incredibly calm and collected manner if we should immediately run every red light on our way to the dog emergency room she breezily told me that Patches was probably gonna fine as long as there wasn't green or yellow puss oozing from her wound hole. She was right, Patches is fine. Us? Not so much.

How Is Every Human Parent Ever Not Dead From a Heart Attack

I am absolutely not gonna share the number of times that I called our vet's emergency help line in the wee hours of this morning on behalf of Patches, but below is how the first call, which took place just before 1:00am, went.

Me (losing my shit): I need your help! My dog's been panting!

On-Call Vet: Panting?

Me: Yes! She had surgery today and she's been panting, like, a lot.

On-Call Vet: Dogs often pant, sir. It's how they...

Me: I know, but my dog is panting panting and I'm really worried.

On-Call Vet: She probably just has to go to the bathroom, sir. After a procedure like hers it's very com...

Me: I really don't think that's it. I mean, she's extra-special-panting. Like Power Panting™. PUH-ANTING. Something is definitely wrong.

On-Call Vet: Can you please just try the bathroom thing, sir?

Me: Okay fine, but I'm almost positive it's not tha…

On-Call Vet: Hello?

Me: Okay yeah it was that.