In Which I Over-Glorify Halloweens Past

Bevan, Leena, Marley, Sid and I just finished having dinner at The Lodge and now they're headed to The Warfield to see Tyler, The Creator do music and I'm headed home to FaceTime with my sister and sip tea on the couch.

Yes, I know that it's Halloween.

And yes, I am completely ashamed of myself.

I once knew how to Halloween. Honestly, I did. In those first years of post-college adulthood my friends and I would make our own costumes and attend a massive, messy bash or rent a trolley and ride around Chicago dancing and drinking while basking in the envy of everyone we passed. Sure, it's difficult to remember those days now, as the Spotify Autumn Acoustic station plays in the background and I make small talk with my dog while waiting for the rinse cycle to begin. But I do remember, I really do.

Mercifully, there were cameras way back then, back when I was fun, so let's take a moment to revisit a time before I gave up on my dreams...and myself.

Halloween
2006

Dr. McDreamy


Halloween
2007

Luigi


Halloween
2008

Edward Scissorhands


Halloween
2009

Androgynous Glam Rocker


Halloween
2010

Pee-wee Herman

Man.

I was good.

Alright, mark my words, next year I am going BIG for Halloween. Probably. Maybe. Okay fine, we'll see. But just know that I was once a master of this crazy holiday. I, Corey Gerard Lambert, once knew how to Halloween.

Halloween
2003

Red Power Ranger

Abode

It was exactly three years ago that I journeyed south along the frozen shores of Lake Michigan with little more than a George Foreman Grill, two orthodontic retainers and a blue LA-Z-BOY chair named Floyd en route to Chicago, the liberal, metropolitan icebox that I've called home since. 

And in the one thousand and ninety-five days that I've inhabited the Windy City, the breeze of change has reshaped the world in dramatic fashion. Science textbooks forever altered the number planets in our solar system, the United States of America elected an African American commander-in-chief and I switched from regular Tide to Tide with Bleach. 

But in spite of the colossal alterations that the past three years have delivered, I've managed to maintain one of the universe's few constants—the same address.

In commemoration of our three-year relationship, I've compiled a diverging set of "top-five" lists that detail what I've grown to adore and to loathe about my apartment.


Top 5 Endearing Quirks That Make My Apartment Home

5. Live Band Karaoke at Paddy Long's
Few things bring me greater pleasure than dozing to the unparalleled lyrical stylings of Blondie's "Touch Myself" as performed by a flock of over-served DePaul freshman at the pub below my window.

4. Pre-Moses Radiators
In addition to paying nil to stay Snuggie-warm during Chicago's notoriously dastardly winters, there's something to be said for watching television while accompanied by the restful sounds of an Amtrak platform.

3. A Family of Couches
If ever one were to trip and fall in my apartment, there's a healthy chance they would settle gently onto the cornucopia of couches adorned throughout. Once dubbed "The Couch Museum," my apartment has accumulated so many sofas that they've spilled conveniently on to the back porch.

2. Furnished Back Porch
Although neither my roommate nor I read the newspaper, it's endearing to know that if we did, we'd have a comfortable place to do it.

1. Less Than Twelve Benjamins
The Hilton it ain't, but for less than a Manhattan parking space, my roommate and I have a place to hang our hats…and our cars. Actually, just our hats.


Top 5 Bastardly Reasons Why I Keep Movers On Speed Dial

5. Cat Hair Wall Paint Doesn't Match Our Rug
There hasn't been a feline in my apartment in at least three years, but I'm reminded of Garfield every time I snack because my refrigerator doubles as a cat hair farm.

4. Ten-Pull Light Cord
If ever there were a link between Russian roulette and urination, using the facilities in my apartment would be it. Rarely does the light spark on less than twenty pulls.

3. Drain-Free Shower Drain
Although it's the perfect temperature for wading, standing in my roommate's shower water is no day at the beach.

2. Robbers Welcome
In addition to the hole in the door, it's not uncommon for the doorknob fall off and roll down the steps. If it weren't for the lock on the building's main entrance, it's a safe bet that Floyd and the George Foreman would be distant memories by now.

1. Short Circuit
Because my apartment building and Stonehenge were constructed in the same decade, I'm convinced that the Mayans had a more reliable electrical source. But if I unplug the fridge and stand perfectly still, it's sometimes possible to run both the toaster and a flashlight at the same time.