How Is Every Human Parent Ever Not Dead From a Heart Attack

I am absolutely not gonna share the number of times that I called our vet's emergency help line in the wee hours of this morning on behalf of Patches, but below is how the first call, which took place just before 1:00am, went.

Me (losing my shit): I need your help! My dog's been panting!

On-Call Vet: Panting?

Me: Yes! She had surgery today and she's been panting, like, a lot.

On-Call Vet: Dogs often pant, sir. It's how they...

Me: I know, but my dog is panting panting and I'm really worried.

On-Call Vet: She probably just has to go to the bathroom, sir. After a procedure like hers it's very com...

Me: I really don't think that's it. I mean, she's extra-special-panting. Like Power Panting™. PUH-ANTING. Something is definitely wrong.

On-Call Vet: Can you please just try the bathroom thing, sir?

Me: Okay fine, but I'm almost positive it's not tha…

On-Call Vet: Hello?

Me: Okay yeah it was that.