Shortly after I graduated from college my mom started pestering me about creating a Will. She wasn't being morbid (that wasn't really her style), she just didn't want all of my shit to linger in probate once I kicked it. While I didn't pay her nagging much mind back then, for whatever reason it caught up with me last weekend and so I stuck "Write a Will" on my to-do list and today, just a few minutes after two of my co-workers signed their names just above the line marked 'Witnesses', I crossed it off. For the most part creating a Will was a pretty straightforward process, mainly because I used a Turbo Tax-like program from the Internet and also because I don't have a lot of crap to give away, but at the very end of the form there was a question that asked, "Would you like to include any special directives or last wishes?" Upon reading it I paused for a moment, assembled a few thoughts, and then let it rip.
I hereby state, that in addition to the directives and bequests as set forth in this Will, it is my desire and wish to include the following special directives and last wishes: I would like my body to be cremated and some of my ashes to be spread near my mother's and some in the dunes overlooking Lake Michigan, preferably on the bluff of my family's old cottage in Montague, even if it has since become condos. If my existing family members and friends so desire, they can have some of my ashes too, so long as they don't keep them locked in the glove compartment of their car or shut up in a junk drawer. In fact, in order to get a piece of me they should have to sign an agreement promising to take my ashes out once in a while. My ashes want adventure. My ashes want to see the world. Have a lawyer draft said agreement. Before my ashes get divided up, however, I would like my loved ones to spend one full week in complete silence, the last day of which will end with a non-religious (I mean it) memorial celebration slash concert on a beach at sunset. The memorial sunset celebration slash concert should be a festive but modest affair. I would like it to include fireflies, marshmallows and Tiki torches but not clouds, mosquitos or Republicans. If my death happens during the winter months and I'm living somewhere cold, feel free to make it a destination memorial. Puerto Rico would be nice, but I'd settle for Mexico. In-between musical performances (for a complete list of preferred songs please see Attachment 4C) anyone who attends can share whatever information they'd like to share about me in speech form as long as it's funny and/or kind. An American Idol-style text-to-vote system will determine the winner. Additionally, I would like champagne (the good stuff) and French fries (with no less than six different dipping sauces) to be made available for consumption. Oh, and if I'm wealthy at the time of my death, please use some of my estate to pay for halfway decent musicians and singers so that the concert part of my memorial sunset celebration slash concert doesn't suck. If I'm broke, my family members and friends should have a sing-a-long, in which case, double the champagne order. If all else fails, an iPod (or whatever contraption is used for playing music at the time of my death) will have to do. Lastly, feel free to exaggerate my accomplishments in my obituary, and if, for whatever reason, The New York Times begs to publish it, go ahead and let them. Just make sure they use only photos from the 'Approved Obituary Photos' list (see Attachment 11B).