Mean Girls the Musical

By my count 30 Rock still has thirty minutes of television life left, but it sounds like funnygal Tina Fey has already moved on to other things. According to reports from the red carpet of Sunday's SAG Awards, the former "Weekend Update" host is hard at work on a musical adaptation of her 2004 high school comedy hit Mean Girls.

"I would love to," Fey told E! News about making a Mean Girls musical. "I'm trying to develop it with my husband, who does all the music for 30 Rock, and I think Paramount's on board."

How fetch is that?

As someone who prides himself on knowing more about Mean Girls than actual girls, Fey's announcement feels more awesome than, well, a punch in the face from Regina George. Except for one little thing—the potential for botching the cast list.

Converting the characters played by Lindsay Lohan, Rachel McAdams and Lacey Chabert into babes who can belt is a tall task, even for Fey. Which is why, with Trang Pak as my witness and the advice of Cady Heron's voice-over ("All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.") as my guide, I've done the casting for her.

Jambo!


The Cast List


MELISSA BENOIST as Cady Heron

Before Lindsay Lohan's life fell to bits, she wowed movie-goers with her comic wherewithal as Cady Heron, a cluelessly likable nerd from South Africa who, after years of homeschooling, winds up in the dog eat dog world of high school. Like Lohan's character, her musical counterpart needed to be partly sweet and a little bit wholesome but served with a side of bitch to boot. Enter Melissa Benoist. Best known for her role as Marley Rose, the naive new girl on Fox's musical dramedy Glee, Benoist has Cady's down-home demeanor, a healthy pair of lungs and, per her two-episode stint on Showtime's Homeland in which she bared all (she plays a hooker or something), enough sex appeal to hold Aaron Samuels' interest.


MEGAN HILTY as Regina George

Regina "I Hear She Does Car Commercials in Japan" George is blonde, beautiful and an enormous bia, even when she's being nice ("Get in, loser. We're going shopping."). So who better to play her than vindictive vixen Megan Hilty from NBC's Smash. Hilty has the hair, the looks, the pipes and, judging by the actions of her character on Smash last season, maximum bitch-ability.


IDINA MENZEL as Ms. Norbury

Having originated the roles of Maureen Johnson in the original cast of Rent and Elphaba in the original cast of Wicked, Idina Menzel's musical theater resume speaks for itself. The reason she'd be perfect for the role of Ms. Norbury, the sad ("The only guy that ever calls my house is Randy from Chase Visa.") but hilarious ("...and I would love to have a girl on the team, just, you know, so the team could meet a girl.") math teacher with a heart of gold is because, well, she's Idina Menzel and she'd be perfect playing anything.


TAYLOR LOUDERMAN as Gretchen Wieners

Gretchen Wieners, heiress apparent to the Toaster Strudel fortune, is, beneath it all, a decent girl in spite of herself ("I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me, but I can't help it that I'm popular."). Taylor Louderman, the main cheerleader from Broadway's Bring It On: The Musical, would be the perfect Vice Plastic. Taylor's played perky (head cheerleader, hello), she can sing and, like Gretchen Wieners, her previous role (if you're at all familiar with the movie plot of Bring It On) has taught her a lot about what it means to be popular.


AMANDA SEYFRIED as Karen Smith

Following her portrayal of simpleminded sidekick Karen Smith ("If you're from Africa, why are you white?"), Amanda Seyfried went on to star in movie musicals Mamma Mia! and Les Misérables, which means she's got what it takes to take Karen to the song side. Plus, she's already really used to wearing pink on Wednesdays.


JENNIFER DAMIANO as Janis Ian

The owner of some of the film's best one-liners ("I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs."), Janis Ian will probably play a vital comic role in the Mean Girls musical. As a matter of fact, I can already imagine her "Where You Sit in the Cafeteria is Crucial" monologue turning into one of the show's big numbers. Spring AwakeningNext to Normal and Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark alumnus Jennifer Damiano has Janis' bite, plus she's got the wounded soul role down cold.


JOSH GAD as Damian

Although I never saw the original Broadway cast of The Book of Mormon, I have memorized the soundtrack and I can't imagine anyone delivering the "Oh my god, Danny Divito! I love your work!" line better than moronic missionary Elder Cunningham's originator Josh Gad. Oh, and if "Too Gay to Function" isn't turned into a full-fledged musical number featuring Gad, I'll do what Cady wouldn't and shove somebody in front of a bus.


AARON TVEIT as Aaron Samuels

If anyone was born to play gentle jock Aaron Samuels, Cady's learning deficient love interest, it's Aaron Tveit from the original casts of Next to Normal and Catch Me If You Can the Musical. He seems kind, he's dreamy and his voice is good enough to make anyone feel grool.


TAYE DIGGS as Mr. Duvall

Although the part is minor, Mr. Duvall provides the plot with a solid male role model and some of its most memorable lines ("Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls!"). Because of his chemistry (though clumsy) with Ms. Norbury, the role given to Idina Menzel just a few page scroll swipes ago, it would only make sense to cast Taye Diggs, her real-life husband, as Mr. Duvall. Also, Diggs is ripped (cue Mr. Duvall in a white cutoff holding a baseball bat), talented and he and his wife have shared the stage before.


LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA as Kevin Gnapoor

Of all the roles in Mean Girls: The Musical, there was none more fun to cast than that of motor-mouthed mathlete Kevin Knapoor. Since he raps in the film ("Yo, yo, yo! All you sucka MCs ain't got nothin' on me."), there's no better person to play him than the man who wrote and starred in Broadway's In the Heights, Lin-Manuel Miranda. He can rap like the wind (I know, not a thing) and his comedic timing is impeccable, which means he'd be more than capable of slaying Kevin's greatest lines, including my favorite, "What are marijuana tablets?".


Welp, since the casting is pretty much complete, all we have to do now is wait for Tina to pick up the slack and write, develop, produce and promote this baby. And if, for whatever reason, she doesn't make it happen, my only response would be to echo the immortal words of one Regina George.

"Boo, you whore."