iWin

After a string of intensely embarrassing blowout losses, Get In the Van, We Have Candy pulled out its first victory of the season this afternoon in a tightly contested match between the league's worst two teams.

Led by Roommate Matthew's three-run home run in the fifth inning and a series of clutch plays by the team's notoriously generous defense, Get In the Van, We Have Candy clung hard to a late lead and held on to beat Diane's Jewelry Depot 8-6 under overcast skies at Lincoln Park South Field #2.

"To be honest, right up until the final handshake I thought we would find a way to blow it," Roommate Matthew said of his team's first not-loss. "But we didn't. Amazingly."

Things looked promising early for the league's second worst team as they left the field with a 2-0 lead after one inning.

"An early lead hasn't been an issue in any of our previous games," pitcher Ken Not Kenny said. "I think it caught us all by surprise."

Diane's Jewelry Depot battled back in the second inning by scoring four easy runs.

"Losing the lead in the second inning really woke us up," Dave of Shave said of his team's brief lapse in play. "Well, the vodka Red Bulls probably helped, too. Either way, we were more awake after the second inning. And more drunk."

After both teams failed to score for several innings in a row, Get In the Van, We Have Candy regained momentum on Roommate Matthew's homer in the fifth and never looked back.

"Today was just our day, I guess," Roommate Matthew said of the victory. "We batted okay, fielded less terribly than usual and basically let the other team beat themselves. So, in actuality, it was less of a win on our part and more of a loss on theirs. But we'll take it. We're that desperate."

Even though Get In the Van, We Have Candy was without four of its most attractive players, they still managed to come out ahead.

"I mean, of course it sucked that we were a little uglier this week than in previous weeks," Cinco de Adrian said of his four absent teammates. "But hey, that's why looks are only the second most important thing in softball, right?"

In the team huddle only moments after the game's final strike was thrown, injured pitcher Married Mike had a few words of wisdom for his teammates. "Let's enjoy this win because it's a statistical improbability that we’ll ever get another one," he said, amidst nods of agreement from all of his teammates.

When asked to comment on today's battle of the beatens, league commissioner "Just call me 'Trey'" said simply, "Those shitbags better pick up these fucking beer cans before they leave. God, I hate this job."

Members of team Get In the Van, We Have Candy pose for an iPhone picture following their first win of the season.

Shortly after their victory, team Get In the Van, We Have Candy piled into a van only to discover that all of the candy had been eaten by a squirrel who entered the vehicle through a hole in the floor.