A Problem

My name is Corey and I'm a webaholic.

I've been asked here today to talk about my World Wide Web addiction so if ever you're offered a hit of Wi-Fi, you'll have the gigs to say no.

Before America Online hooked me on dial-up back in the nineties, I was a regular kid who liked to swim and play Pogs. These days I prefer to surf and the only Pogs I come across is my Second Life accountant, Pogs MacKenzie.

For the past several years I've been consuming a profuse amount of Internet each and every day. If I'm not binge tweeting on my morning commute to work, I'm belly up at my computer desk throwing back a few dozen Wall posts before noon. During my lunch break, after I've harvested all of my FarmVille crops, it's not uncommon for me to sip a YouTube video with my tuna salad sandwich if somebody pours me a link. After work, I'll Skype a friend in Hong Kong while I grocery shop on Peapod until GrubHub brings my dinner. I hop into bed around eleven and read a Half.com purchase until I get tired. If I'm having trouble sleeping, MySpace usually puts me out.

I don't have to check my DailyBooth page to know what webaholism looks like. It's written all over my body. From my calloused fingertips to my bloodshot eyes, it's apparent that I've sucked down too much bandwidth. My family and friends keep telling me to take a walk in the sunshine. Instead, I listen to "Walking on Sunshine" on Pandora. And if they persist in ushering me away from cyberspace, I simply slip them into my mental spam folder and order up another Wikipedia page.

What I'm trying to say is that the Internet is a gigantic web that extends worldwide. Once you log on, it's nearly impossible to log off. So heed my advice and unplug your router immediately. And power down your laptop right now. And for the love of Google, do not select a computer password that's easy to remember. Trust me, I'm a preferred seller on eBay and Amazon. I know these things.

If you need more pointers about staying away from the Internet, look for me on Twitter. Or Facebook. Or Gmail. Or Google Chat. Or Google Buzz. Or formspring.me. Or Last.fm. Or foursquare. Or Technorati. Or Meebo. Or DailyBooth. Or LinkedIn. Or...

Better yet, I'll contact you. What's your email address?