In observance of my nephews' first Christmas in the mitten, my family elected to eschew customary holiday traditions and spend the weekend participating in a handful of extreme yuletide activities.
1. Critical Correspondence with Saint Nicholas
Dear Mr. Claus,
Before indulging in the delicious array of goodies we've so generously provided for you, please consider that Rudolph and his associates can, quite literally, feel the weight of each and every calorie you consume as they haul your ever-expanding carcass through the snowy night air. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but in recent years people have been providing carrots in addition to the fatty, sugar-filled confectionery you so heavily favor. Take a hint, Santa. They aren't for the reindeer. Do the right thing.
Rooting for Rudolph
I have a theory that big beards hide big secrets. What are you hiding?
Creeped Out by Kringle
2. Wear What You Slept In Cocktail Hour
Peyton: "Look Grandma, I'm Hugh Hefner!"
3. Jesus for a Day Birthday Brunch
Cole: "Turn my water into wine, Dad!"
4. Gift and Graffiti Exchange
5. Ding Dong Ditch
Despite the fact that candy canes and Spritz cookies played an unseasonably small roll in our weekend festivities, I did manage to inspire a small bit of normalcy on Christmas morning.
Cole (tearing open a gift): "Alright, a Bakugan! Thanks, Uncle Corey!"
Me: "No problem, buddy. Just keep it out of your mouth or you might get Bakugan-orrhea."
Cole: "Is that like diarrhea?"
Me: "No, it's a sexua…"
Mom: "Silent night, holy night…"