My Obituary

I was riding on the train the other day, after a long weekend at home, when a familiar thought crossed my mind—death. Logically, like anyone who spends a great deal of time thinking about dying, the majority of my profound contemplation was spent considering how my obituary would read in The New York Times. The following is the most accurate version I could conceive.


Sir Corey Lambert, Best Friend of the World, Dies

Associated Press

Sir Corey Gerard Lambert died early Thursday morning at his Lake Michigan mansion in North Muskegon, Michigan. Although autopsy results have been deemed inconclusive, the astounding majority of experts believe the cause of death was "sheer awesomeness."

Sir Corey Lambert will be best remembered for his seemingly never-ending string of bestselling novels and his ability to fly really really super fast.

From his time at Harvard Medical School in the early 2000s until his induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame early last week, Sir Lambert has been an unwavering force in world industry, journalism, commerce, education, entertainment, athletics, and sorcery.

"He was so far ahead of his time in every possible category ever categorized," said the Dalai Lama via translator from his residence in Lhasa, Tibet. "If I could think of one word to describe what Sir Corey meant to this world, it would be a combination of all of the best words ever spoken."

Widely considered the Albus Dumbledore of real people, Sir Lambert advised every noteworthy leader on earth and in several other dimensions during the Google Universe Conference for Peace and Prosperity in 2045. The aforementioned treaty is openly considered the single most important event since the creation of man.

Sir Lambert is succeeded in death by four wives (Julia Roberts Lambert, Rebecca Romijn Lambert, and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen Lambert), forty-two children (see Section H, Page 13), eighty-four grandchildren (see Section J, Page 2), and millions of close friends, including J.K. Rowling, Sir Andy Roddick, Oprah Winfrey, Kanye West, and the entire cast of Ocean’s Eleven (2001).

A small number of Sir Lambert's other notable accomplishments include two Super Bowl MVPs, six U.S. Open titles, two Wimbledon titles, a handful of Pulitzer Prizes, an Academy Award, a Grammy, seven Dundies, a Purple Heart, countless honorary degrees including the prestigious "Golden Ivy" presented simultaneously by all of the schools that comprise the Ivy League, three Tony Awards, and a Nobel Prize.

In honor of Sir Lambert's contributions to the modern universe, Barak Obama IV, President of the World and also the Universe, has set aside August 13th as a day of remembrance.

"The smartest thing my great, great, great grandfather ever did was listen to Sir Corey Lambert's every word during his presidency," Obama said through a steady stream of real tears. "Without Sir Lambert’s presence, we might still be in Iraq."

Sir Lambert's family requests that donations be made in his memory to Saint Michael's Elementary School in Muskegon, Michigan.