Monica

The following scenes are dedicated to my hilariously clueless cousin, the elegant and fancy-free spirit who inspired (ahem, lived) them.


"CONDOMS GALORE"

FADE IN:

INT. CAR – DAY

While her MOTHER talks on a cell phone, a YOUNG GIRL stares out her window as the bars and shops of a lower-class neighborhood pass by.

Above one shop a large pink neon sign flashes "CONDOMS GALORE." A variety of skimpy lingerie hangs on display in the front window.

YOUNG GIRL
Mom, do you ever wear condoms?

A beat.

YOUNG GIRL
Mom!

MOTHER
(covering her cell phone with one hand)
Honey, this is an important call. Just a few more minutes, I promise.

The young girl sighs and returns her gaze to the window.

INT. KITCHEN – LATER THAT DAY

As mother prepares dinner and talks on the phone, the young girl walks into the kitchen holding up some risqué lingerie, excited.

YOUNG GIRL
Look mom, I found your condom!

Mother turns to look.

MOTHER
(into the phone)
Can I call you back?

She hangs up the phone.

MOTHER
Honey, that isn't my condom.

YOUNG GIRL
Yes it is. I found it in your room.

MOTHER
No, I mean it isn't a condom.

YOUNG GIRL
(giggling)
Yes it is.

MOTHER
No, it isn't.

The young girl's face contorts in confusion.

YOUNG GIRL
Oh. Then what's a condom?

END SCENE

 

"FAT FREE"

FADE IN:

INT. GROCERY STORE – DAY

A YOUNG GIRL and her MOTHER wait in the checkout line behind a HEAVYSET WOMAN as a CASHIER scans and bags her groceries.

Young girl's POV: The cashier slides a bottle of FAT FREE SALAD DRESSING across the scanner and bags it.

CUT TO the CASH REGISTER displaying $3.07.

The young girl's face contorts in confusion.

YOUNG GIRL
(to heavyset woman)
Excuse me.

A beat.

YOUNG GIRL
Excuse me, ma'am.

HEAVYSET WOMAN
(turning around)
Yes, dear.

YOUNG GIRL
They charged you for that bottle of salad dressing.

The heavyset woman and the cashier exchange confused looks.

HEAVYSET WOMAN
I know, dear.

YOUNG GIRL
But it's fat free salad dressing.

HEAVY WOMAN
I understand that.

YOUNG GIRL
But you're fat.

The heavyset woman gasps and covers her mouth.

HEAVYSET WOMAN
Excuse me?

YOUNG GIRL
You're fat.

MOTHER
(embarrassed)
I’m so sorry.

HEAVYSET WOMAN
Well I should hope so. You should teach your child some manners.

MOTHER
(to her daughter)
Let's go to another line, honey.

YOUNG GIRL
But mom, the bottle says fat free right on the side. Shouldn't she get it for free? Or isn't she fat enough?

END SCENE